


How Lucky We Are To Be Alive Right Now

by GinnyK



Series: The World Turned Upside Down [1]
Category: Bull (TV 2016)
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Season/Series 02 Finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-18 19:47:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14859126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GinnyK/pseuds/GinnyK
Summary: Some conversations just need to take place, no matter how uncomfortable. Quiet moments between Bull and Marissa.  Set after he gets discharged from the hospital.





	1. Chapter 1

As the driver slowed the car down to avoid a bike messenger veering out of the bike lane, Marissa looked to her right.  Bull was quiet as he sat with his head back, looking out the window staring at nothing in particular.  To say it had been an eventful week was an understatement.  Seven days and a few odd hours earlier he’d been lying on the cool concrete in front of the Manhattan Federal Courthouse, dialing 911 before his vision dimmed and he edged towards unconsciousness.

His own diagnosis was confirmed in the ER and within hours he’d undergone angioplasty to open up a clogged artery.  A stent was placed and his doctor declared him to be extremely lucky.  Lucky wasn’t exactly how he would have described his feelings when the reality of the situation hit him later that night.  He was alone in his room, staring out at the lights of the city, trying his best to stop the tears which rolled down his face.

That was how Marissa had found him about half an hour into his self-imposed pity party.  Against her better judgement she all but crawled into bed with him and held him. 

That was 7 days ago. 

In the past 6 days she did her best to toe a line.  But what that line was, she wasn’t too sure.  She was there for him as a friend and coworker.  She stopped by each night at visiting hours with books, clothes from home and tales from the office.  She tried not to go overboard with the attention or offers to do things to help him out.  But when your best friend is lying in a hospital bed, that’s a pretty difficult thing to do.

Which is why when he asked her to pick him up from the hospital she did so without hesitation.

She watched as Bull’s eyes slid closed and he slumped slightly to his left, ending up with his forehead resting on her shoulder.  Against her better judgement (which was apparently becoming a theme of hers) she brushed back his hair and pressed a quick kiss to his forehead.

Ten minutes later the driver maneuvered the car in front of his building, managing to actually get a spot instead of double parking and hoping the still recovering Dr. Jason Bull could quickly slide out of his seat and exit the car.

“Bull,” Marissa whispered as she nudged him a little before reaching down to undo his seat belt.  Not getting much of a reaction from him she tried his first name.  “Jason, come on work with me,” she teased lightly.  That got him moving a bit as he sat up and wiped away any drool that might have been on his face. “Can you get out on your own?” she asked as she put her tote bag over her shoulder.  He nodded slightly and scrubbed a hand over his stubbled chin.  Marissa let herself out of the car and headed around to the sidewalk.  The driver grabbed Bull’s backpack out of the trunk and set it on the sidewalk before opening the door for him. 

“Need anything else?” the driver asked Marissa and Bull as he closed the passenger door.  Both shook their heads and declined the offer.  Bull quickly shook his hand and Marissa smiled gratefully in his direction before she picked up the backpack and guided Bull towards the front door.

“Welcome back, Dr. Bull,” his longtime doorman Mark called from across the lobby.

“Thanks, good to be back,” Bull answered with a wave and a slightly forced smile.

“Let us know if you need anything,” Mark offered as he pushed the button for the elevator.

“We will, thanks,” Marissa replied, answering for her boss, as she often did.

They were the only two on the elevator, which gave Bull the chance to lose the forced smile and slump back in the corner a bit.  As much as he tried to act like he was fully recovered, he was far from it.  The act of getting himself from the hospital bed, to the car and into his building had taken more out of him that he cared to admit.

“Just a few more minutes and we’ll get you settled in your own bed,” Marissa assured him with a warm smile.  Bull just gave her a little leer at the mention of his bed, she ignored him as she was known to do.

The elevator door slid open and the pair stumbled a bit as each of them attempted to find their own set of keys to open his door.  Marissa found hers first and unlocked the door as she motioned for him to enter first.  He walked into his foyer and not much further.  She scooted by him and deposited his backpack and her tote bag on the bench to the left of the front door.

“Jason,” she whispered, not wanting to startle him out of the daze he seemed to be in.

 “Yeah, my bed,” he muttered as she took him by the arm and steered him towards his bedroom.  He took a few steps towards his room and then turned in the direction of the kitchen. Marissa gave up on steering him anywhere, deciding instead to kick off her shoes and make herself comfortable.  She used the bathroom, ran her hand through her hair and went back out to find her wayward boss.  She found him in the kitchen, standing in front of the open refrigerator just staring.  She’d know him long enough to know his current position had little to do with a heart attack and more to do with habit.  Although usually this was done in his boxers and a t-shirt.

“Have a seat,” she said as she pointed him in the direction of one of the stools at the island.  He followed her direction without a word.  “Iced tea?” she asked.  She got a little nod in response and he put his elbows on the counter in front of him, propping his chin up in his left hand as he absently flipped through the mail next to him with his right. Marissa poured him a glass of iced tea and set it in front of him.  As she poured herself a glass the doorbell rang.  “Probably the pharmacy,” she said, answering Bull’s unasked question.

It was indeed Mark announcing the delivery.  She told Mark to let him up.  Bull tossed her his wallet so she could tip the delivery guy.

  
Walking back in the kitchen she started to take the pills out of the bag and read the directions.  But she reconsidered and tossed the bag next to Bull, leaving him to figure out his new medication regime. She glanced at her watch, it was nearly 1:00 and neither of them had eaten lunch yet.  She was hungry but had no idea if he wanted to eat or not.  His appetite hadn’t been the greatest in the hospital but his doctor didn’t seem too worried about it.

“So what do you want to do?” Marissa asked as she leaned against the counter on the opposite side of the kitchen from the island where Bull sat absently pushing his glass around in the water that had dripped off the iced tea glass.

“I think shower,” Bull muttered as he ran a hand through his hopelessly messy hair.

“Sounds like a plan.  Are you hungry at all, I could make something,” Marissa offered.  Bull snorted a bit as she was not known for her culinary skills, that was more his area.  “I can heat something up,” she smirked.

“There’s chicken soup in the freezer, try not to burn it,” he smirked as he slid off the stool and headed for the bathroom.

Marissa opened the freezer and pulled out the plastic container with a little label marked CHICKEN SOUP 3/18 in Bull’s writing that resembled that of a preteen boy.  How is it that he can’t be half as organized at work she wondered as she opened it up and put it in the microwave to thaw out.

When Bull emerged from the bathroom 20 minutes later Marissa was hunting in the cabinet for some crackers to serve with the soup.  Freshly showered he felt a little better and putting on his own clothes was a big improvement from the hospital gown which left little to the imagination.

“Hey, it’s not burnt,” Bull teased as he pulled two soup spoons out of the drawer and set them on the island.

“You look a little better,” she said as she set a bowl of steaming soup in front of him. 

“Shower helped, nap will probably help too,” he admitted as he pushed his glasses up on his nose.

They ate in silence for a few minutes.  Bull enjoying something other than hospital fare and Marissa trying to decide what her plans were for the rest of the day.  She didn’t particularly feel comfortable leaving him with a wave and a promise to check in with him in the morning.  Truth be told, curling up on the couch and watching crime dramas with him sounded like a perfect afternoon.

She’d talked to her therapist during the week, telling her about her aborted attempt at quitting her job.  Both agreed that it probably wasn’t the best time to make a life altering decision.  Her therapist encouraged her to be a friend to Bull while trying to take a step back from their dependent work relationship.  Marissa had no intentions of walking away from everything they had shared over the years.  She wanted to be his friend, wanted to have a relationship.  Cutting ties completely wasn’t something she felt she needed to do. 

“Riss, you’re a million miles away,” Bull said, using his nickname for her, one he only used in private.

“Hmm, sorry,” she muttered as she took a deep breath to center herself a bit.

“Care to share with the class?” Bull smirked as he started to stand to clear away the dishes.  He got up a bit too fast and ended up sitting back down, feeling a little dizzy.  He let out a massive yawn before Marissa could respond.  She waved him off and grabbed the dishes.

“I think if I shared you’d be sound asleep in 5 minutes,” she joked, definitely wanting to change the subject. He’d been home from the hospital for less than two hours, now was not the time to have a serious discussion. 

“I think I may be asleep in 5 minutes whether or not we’re having a discussion,” he admitted as he once again made an attempt to stand.  He was much more successful and headed for the bedroom with a little wave.  He stopped in the doorway of his room.  “Will you be here when I wake up?” he asked without turning around.  He didn’t think he could bear to see her face if the answer was “no”.

“Where else would I be?” she answered simply.

“Thanks,” he replied quietly as he looked over his shoulder and winked.  He closed the door halfway behind him and all but face planted on the bed, just taking enough time and effort to remove his glasses.

Marissa watched as he did this and then stood looking at the empty doorway, chiding herself for doing so.  She grabbed the leggings and oversized shirt out of her tote bag and went into the bathroom to change.

An hour later she was flicking through the channels, curled up on the couch under the gray throw. She’d checked on Bull once and from the doorway he seemed to be sound asleep. So when he came out of his room 15 minutes later she was a little surprised.  He flopped down on the couch next to her and stole half the throw from her.

“Can’t sleep?” she asked.

“Obviously not.  I think it’s too quiet, nobody coming in to take my vitals, check an IV, poke and prod me,” he muttered.  Truth be told, he didn’t want to be alone.  Marissa could read him pretty well and had a good idea what was going on.

“Want to watch Chopped?” she asked already knowing the answer.  He nodded with a grin as she changed the channel. 

Bull tried to curl up in the corner but was having trouble getting comfortable.  Marissa held her hand out for his pillow and set it in her lap, motioning for him to get comfortable.  He settled down with his head in her lap pulling the throw over his legs.  It was a scenario they’d played out plenty of times over the years. Admittedly many of those times he was drunk or hung over.  It was just who they were.  Things like this didn’t bother Marissa, this was just them, friends from the moment they met. 

Marissa ran her fingers through his hair and before the basket of entrée ingredients was revealed he was sound asleep.  She carefully pulled off his glasses and set them on the end table.  She lowered the sound and propped her feet on the coffee table getting comfortable herself.  Truth was, she was in need of a nap too.  She’d spent the week trying to check on him and hold TAC together.  She was happy tomorrow was Saturday. She’d left Benny and Chunk in charge today and she’d only had a few texts from them and as it was getting late in the day on Friday so she comfortable with the fact that her phone was on the kitchen counter, well out of reach.

Bull jolted awake almost two hours later, startling Marissa awake in the process.

“What’s wrong,” she asked, her mind coming racing through the list of things to watch out for which was provided by his discharge nurse earlier in the day.

“Nightmare maybe? I’m okay, I think,” he muttered as he sat up and put his head in his hands.  A hand on his back let Marissa know his breathing and heartrate were too fast.

“I’m not so sure about that, how about you take a few deeps breaths and try to calm down a little,” she suggested as she rubbed his back a bit.  His breathing eventually slowed down to the point that she wasn’t considering a call to 911.  “Better?” she asked as she pushed his hair back off his damp forehead.  He nodded a little.  “Sit, I’ll get you some water.”

She grabbed a water bottle and her cell phone from the kitchen.  He drank half a bottle of water and wiped his face on the sleeve of the sweatshirt he was wearing.  Marissa just rolled her eyes at him. “Why don’t you go splash some water on your face,” she suggested.  To her surprise he got up and headed towards the bathroom. 

“Where’s my backpack?” he called from his room.

“On the bench in the foyer.”

He padded out to grab the bag and head for the laundry room to throw in a load of wash.  Marissa paced around a little, answered a few texts and for what seemed like the 50th time in a week tried to decide what to do next.  It was almost 5, she’d been up for 12 hours already, having spent a few hours in the office before she went to the hospital to pick Bull up.  Although she had the comfortable clothes she was currently wearing she hadn’t packed anything to stay overnight.  She was sure she had some pajamas here somewhere but she didn’t have any other necessities. 

She went to find Bull to make some plans.  He wasn’t in the laundry room or his home office but the slider to the balcony was open and she could hear the sounds of Friday rush hour in Manhattan.

“Jason,” she called out as she entered his office. 

“Out here,” he called back without turning around.   “What’s up?” he asked as he glanced over his shoulder.  He was standing with his arms folded over the top railing looking out over the city.  Marissa moved to stand next to him, mirroring his position.

“I need to run home to get a few things, maybe stop by the office to pick up some work.  Will you be okay by yourself for a couple hours?” she asked, cringing at how that sounded.

“I’ll be fine,” he said quietly without the teasing she expected to hear. 

“We can order something for dinner when I get back,” she suggested.

“Sure,” he agreed. 

Marissa turned to leave but just walking away seemed odd.  She reached out to squeeze his elbow and winked at him before heading back in to grab her bag and head out.

Bull sat outside for a little while, moved the laundry over to the dryer, read the directions on the pill bottles and in general wandered around trying to kill time.

He eventually made himself a cup of tea and settled down at the island with his laptop to do a little research on heart health, trying to figure out just how much his life was about to change.


	2. Chapter 2

Marissa took her time with her errands.  She went to the TAC offices to grab a few case files she could work on over the weekend.  The office was empty and she was thankful for that.  She just wasn’t in the mood to see anyone.  She’d already texted a quick update to Chunk and Benny basically telling them that she and Bull were offline for the weekend and she would see them on Monday. 

She stopped at home and grabbed some clothes, figuring she would most likely spend the weekend at Bull’s place.  Although the idea made her a bit uneasy she tried to be realistic about it.  He just had a heart attack, he shouldn’t really be left alone.  While she was sure that Chunk would have checked in on him if she asked, she knew Bull would be more comfortable with her around.

She threw her laptop, phone charger and a book into her bag before taking a minute to just sit in the quiet of her living room.  The quiet didn’t comfort her like she thought it would, it just gave her time and space to think too much, something she was way too good at.

It was after 7:00 by the time she headed back to Bull’s place.  She wasn’t sure what she would find when she got back, nor was she really sure what she wanted to find.  She was tired and half hoped he would just be asleep, but she wasn’t really thinking that scenario would work out.

“Jason,” she called out softly when she opened the front door.

“Office,” he called back as she closed the door behind her. 

She tossed her bag into the guest room on the way down the hall.  The overhead light in his office was off, the blinds on the slider were open letting in the lights of the city, giving the room a soft glow.  He was curled up on the couch in his pajamas under a plaid blanket.  An empty mug was on the coffee table, next to his cell phone.  The Yankee game was on the TV but the sound was muted.  He made no attempt to sit up and give Marissa room to sit down so she just pushed him over a little by the hip and perched on the edge of the couch.

“You okay?” she asked as she ruffled his hair a bit and gave him a sad smile.  He just gave her a little shrug of his shoulders.  “Hungry?”

“Not really.”

“You need to eat something.  Something from the diner down the street?” Marissa suggested.

“Maybe.  I’m guessing my usual bacon cheeseburger and fries is out of the question,” he groaned.

“Obviously,” she smirked.  “Turkey sandwich, eggs, grilled chicken.  Anything sound good?”

“Turkey sandwich,” he said after considering his not so exciting options.  “Maybe some fruit salad.”

“Fruit salad, did you really just suggest that?” she teased as she got up off the couch.

“Shut up,” he groaned as he tossed a pillow at her retreating form.

The Yankees were losing 7-4 when the food was delivered a little under an hour later.  They settled down on the couch in his office, him with his turkey sandwich and fruit salad, Marissa with a chicken wrap and some tomato soup.  He picked at his food for a little while, eating about half the sandwich and a few bites of fruit.  Eventually Marissa just took the rest of the food to the kitchen to put away in the fridge.  She put the kettle on for tea and put on her pajamas, leaving Jason to wander around for a bit.

Once again she spotted him out on the balcony.  He was sitting in a chair with his feet on the railing, clearly lost in his thoughts.   Marissa returned to the kitchen, poured two mugs of tea and headed outside with him. She set the tea down on the table next to him and sat down in the other chair.  He accepted the tea with a little smile but said nothing.

Marissa didn’t want to push him to start talking nor did she want to bring up the conversation she wanted to have, needed to have.  It was almost 10 and they were both fading fast, despite the nap they’d taken earlier. 

“Riss, do we need to talk about something?” he asked quietly.  The question came out of nowhere and it caught Marissa off guard.

“What? Uh, no not really,” she stuttered not even knowing how in the world to answer that.  For him to even notice something was off about their relationship was a shock to her.  As observant as Jason was in his professional life, he was much less so in his personal life.  He just looked at her with raised eyebrows, letting her know he wasn’t buying her answer.  She took a deep breath and thought hard about how to phrase things.  “Yes, we do.  But it’s 10 at night, you’ve had a heart attack and you’ve been home from the hospital for less than 12 hours. It’s not something we need to talk about at this moment.”

“Sometime tomorrow or Sunday?” he offered as he reached over the table between them and brushed his hand over hers.  She just nodded, it was all she could do to hold her emotions in check.  She took a deep breath and glanced over at him, giving him a weak smile.

“What makes you think I’ll still be here on Sunday,” she teased.  Jason just smirked.  And that there, was part of her problem.  He expected her to still be there and she would never say no.

They were quiet for a few minutes until he let out a few massive yawns which neither of them could ignore.  “Come on, bed,” Marissa announced.  When she didn’t get a smart ass remark in return she knew he was exhausted.  She held out her hand and helped him to his feet.

He stopped by the kitchen to take a few pills while Marissa brushed her teeth and made sure there were sheets on the bed in the guest room.  Luckily there were.

“I think I need one of those pill things,” he muttered as she came back into the kitchen

“Pill thing?” she asked as she set up the coffee maker for the morning.

“You know, organizer things, like an old guy,” he explained with a snort.

“Probably not the worst idea.  We’ll make a shopping list tomorrow. I’m sure you need some healthy food too.”

“Definitely.  There’s something else I want to do, or feel I have to do,” he said cryptically as he padded back towards his office.  Marissa followed curiously, stopping in the doorway as he crossed the room.  He stopped at the antique cabinet which held his collection of liquor.  He opened it and just stared at the bottles, hands braced against the top of the dark mahogany surface.  Eventually Marissa crossed the room and put a gentle hand on his back.  He stood up straight and swiped a hand over his eyes before closing the doors.

“We’ll get rid of it all tomorrow,” she offered as she led him by the arm back down the hall, depositing him on the edge of his bed.  “Sit, I’ll get you some water.”

When she headed back to his room she’d hoped to find him under the covers, all tucked in.

No such luck, still sitting on the edge of his bed, head in his hands.  She handed him the bottle of water before turning off the overhead lights and turning on the lamp on his nightstand.  She sat next to him and nudged him with her shoulder. “Come on, under the covers Jason.”

“Okay,” he answered softly.  He handed her the water bottle and his glasses before he crawled under the covers.  She turned off the light and motioned for him to scoot over a bit.

She took a deep breath and reached out to brush back his hair in a gesture that felt both completely wrong and altogether right.  He leaned into her touch and blinked hard as a few tears escaped his eyes.

Jason Bull in tears had always been like a knife in her heart.  It didn’t happen often, but when it did, it was messy for both of them.  She took a deep shaky breath as he scooted over in the bed, giving her plenty of room.

Marissa settled herself against the headboard and Jason curled up in her arms.  She kissed his forehead and held him tightly as he sobbed quietly.  She didn’t say anything, words seemed unnecessary and truth be told, words were not coming to her.

“I knew it was coming,” Jason said cryptically about 10 minutes after the tears had started.

“What?” Marissa asked, rather confused.

“The heart attack, there were signs and I stupidly ignored them.  I didn’t take care of myself and I didn’t listen to you.  I ignored the tingling hand and arm, self medicated with bourbon, ate like a teenager and all but pushed myself into the heart attack.  As brilliant as I’m supposed to be, I was an idiot.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Marissa whispered as she reached to pull the quilt up over them.

“Nothing to say, nobody to blame but me,” he said simply.

“I wish I felt the same way,” Marissa said honestly.

“Riss you have nothing to do with this.  Don’t even consider it,” he said a little more sharply than he had intended, causing Marissa’s tears to start.  Jason carefully wiped them away  with the edge of the sheet.  “God we are a mess,” he muttered as he sat up a bit and scrubbed his hands over his eyes.  He started to wipe his nose on his shirt sleeve but he stopped himself and pointed towards the box of tissues on the nightstand.  Marissa handed him a few and took one for herself.  She gave him the water bottle which he finished in two large gulps.

“Need more water?” she asked as she pushed the covers back and swung her legs over the side of the bed. 

“Yeah.  I can get it,” he declared as he tried to stand up and promptly fell back on the bed.

“You didn’t quite get the water,” she pointed out helpfully. He groaned and pulled the covers over his head.  She tossed a pillow at his head and headed for the kitchen.

Marissa returned with another bottle of water and a cool wet washcloth to wipe his face.  He had turned the light back on and was sitting up cross legged on the bed staring out the window.  “Here, wipe your face,” she suggest as she tossed the washcloth to him before perching on the edge of the bed.  She opened the water and handed it to him, he took a quick sip and handed it back to her. 

“We both need some sleep.  Tell me one of those pills you took was to knock you out,” she teased as she stood up.

“Yes, one of them is a sleeping pill,” he assured her. 

“Good.  Give a yell if you need anything, I’ll be right next door.”

Bull curled up under the sheet as she turned the light out once again.  She leaned over and pressed a quick kiss to his forehead.  “Sleep,” she whispered.

“Thanks Riss,” he muttered before rolling over and trying to settle down for the night.

Marissa tossed the washcloth in the sink in his bathroom and headed to the kitchen.

Sleep came quickly to Bull, Marissa, not so much.  She made herself another cup of tea and opened up her laptop.  She reread the letter she’d written to Bull, attempted to delete it but stopped herself.  She closed the file behind a password and opened up her email.  She read a few of the more important ones and deleted a bunch of others.

After a little frivolous online shopping she closed it up when she heard sounds coming from Bull’s room.  He didn’t come out and she heard the bathroom door close.  She didn’t hear anything else for a while and she went to check on him.

“You okay?” she asked through the closed bathroom door.

“Been better,” he muttered as he reached over from where he was sitting on the edge of the tub to unlatch the door. 

Marissa opened the door enough to walk in.  She sat on the edge of the tub next to him and draped her arm around him.  “What’s up?”

“I don’t know, nauseous, little dizzy,” he admitted with a sigh as he leaned over a little to lift the lid on the toilet, just in case.

“Take a few deep breaths,” Marissa suggested as she reached over to grab the washcloth she’d tossed in there earlier.  She rewet it with cool water and put it on the back of his neck.  “Do you have ginger ale in the fridge?”

“Of course, I mix it with my bourbon,” he said with as much of a smirk as he could manage.

“Don’t go anywhere.”

“Where the hell would I be going?” he groaned, head in his hands.  He tried to take some slow measured breaths as Marissa went on the hunt for ginger ale.

She found a can in the back, making a mental note to add ginger ale to her list of things to pick up in the morning.  The clock on the microwave let her know it was close to midnight.  He’d only been asleep for about and hour and a half, despite the sleeping pill.

“Drink a little,” she said as she handed him the can and sat back down next to him.

Ten minutes and half a can of ginger ale he felt ready to leave the bathroom.  Marissa steered him back towards his bed but he had other ideas.  He padded down the hall and flopped on the leather couch in his office.  Marissa covered him up and tucked him in.  She sat on the coffee table for a few minutes, hoping he would just fall back to sleep quickly.

Luck was on her side.  She headed back to the guest room not 5 minutes later, sending up a quick prayer they would actually get some sleep.

*****

The sun streaming in the window woke Marissa about 6:30, considerably later than she usually woke up, which she was happy about.  She ran her fingers through her hair and padded to the bathroom before heading for the kitchen.  She hit the button on the coffee maker and pulled a mug out of the cabinet thinking to herself she was probably more comfortable in his kitchen than hers.  Probably because his was a fully stocked kitchen, unlike hers which was barely functional.  While the coffee brewed she crept down to the office to check on Jason.  He was still asleep, facing the back of the couch.  The was no sign he’d gotten up again during the night, the can of soda and his glasses were still in the same place on the coffee table. 

The view from his kitchen was pretty spectacular and she sipped her coffee while enjoying it. By the time Jason wandered down the hall a little after 8 she had the beginnings of a shopping list done and had raided the freezer finding a container of his homemade marinara sauce they could use for dinner.  She had seen plenty of boxes of pasta in the pantry and salad ingredients were on her list.

“Morning,” he muttered as he slid onto one of the stools.

“Got some sleep?” Marissa asked as she took a good look at him.  He didn’t look too bad considering everything he’d been through lately.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Not sure where coffee stands in the good for you/bad for you list,” she wondered aloud.

“Not sure I’m ready to stomach it anyway,” he answered honestly.

“Tea?”

“Sure, thanks.  I’ll be right back,” he muttered as he headed for the bathroom.

Marissa turned the flame on under the kettle and pulled the milk out of the fridge.  There wasn’t a whole lot in the fridge for breakfast, most days they ate the meal at work.

They ended up eating the leftover fruit salad from the night before and some yogurt she was surprised to find.

While they ate they finished making the shopping list and read the morning paper.  As much as he used the latest technology at work, Bull enjoyed reading the actual newspaper.  It was something about the smell of the ink and the feel of the paper that brought him back to childhood.  He and his Dad would read the paper in the morning.  He read the sports page while his Dad ready the business section.

“Are you up to actually going to the store?” Marissa asked as she cleared away their dishes and wiped off the island.

“I think so, let me shower first and I’ll let you know,” he said after taking a minute to consider how he was really feeling.

After his shower he decided he was up to heading out, figuring the fresh air would do him some good.

They took a short walk in the little park down the street and then walked to the store, taking their time picking out the food. Marissa spending more time reading labels than Bull did but to his credit he didn’t throw anything completely off limits in the cart.

The grabbed cab back to his place, carrying bags of groceries wasn’t something either of them wanted to do.

By the time the food was put away and they had taken care of removing the liquor from the apartment, Bull was starting to fade just a bit.

“So you wanted to talk?” he said in a rather matter of fact manner as he put the last of the liquor bottles in the recycling bin.

“How about you eat something, rest for a while and we can talk,” she offered, giving herself a little time to get her thoughts together.

“Deal,” he agreed as he opened the fridge.

They finished the leftover sandwiches from the night before and shared some of the grapes they’d picked up early.  When they were done Bull headed out to the balcony with his phone, earbuds and a bottle of water.  He stretched out on the seldom used lounge chair he dragged out of the corner, put on some music and was asleep within minutes.

His nap gave Marissa time to think.  She knew she needed to be completely honest with him, to not sugarcoat things and to make sure not to censor what she said out of fear of hurting him.  Her therapist had encouraged her to have an honest conversation with him.  Having the conversation at his home and not at the office seemed like a better idea. The fact that he was all but banned from showing his face in the office for two weeks solved that issue.

She paced the apartment while he slept, half wishing she thought to keep a glass of something aside before getting rid of all the liquor.

A few minutes after 3 Bull came back inside, calling her name.

 


	3. Chapter 3

“In the kitchen,” Marissa called back.  She took a deep breath as she turned from where she had been staring out the window.  She crossed the room and gently closed her laptop which was sitting on the island.

He came in the kitchen with a little wave and grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge before hopping up to sit on the counter.

“Nice nap?” Marissa asked as she leaned against the front of the sink and took a good look at him.  He looked rested, adorably disheveled with his hair sticking up in all directions, but rested.  She did her best to resist the urge to cross the room and smooth down his hair.

“Yeah.  Look, I’m not sure what we’re about to talk about, but I know that whatever it is, it’s important to you. That makes it important to me,” he said quietly as he held out his hand to her.  With a sigh Marissa pushed herself away from the sink and reached for his hand.  He pulled her closer to him until she was standing in between his knees.  He put his hands on her shoulders and pressed a kiss to her forehead as she let out a shaky breath.  She was about to take a tiny step closer and end up completely wrapped in his arms when she abruptly put her hands on his knees and pushed herself back.  She turned around quickly and wiped her eyes of the tears that had suddenly, and not surprisingly, appeared.

Bull stayed on the counter, waiting for her to say something.  He fidgeted a bit, swinging his legs out in front of him as he waited.  He didn’t want to push her, this conversation was her idea and he wanted to have it on her terms.

Marissa opened up the laptop and pulled up the file with her letter.  “I have no idea where to start.  So I need you to sit and read this while I go into another room,” she said quietly as she left the room, unable to look him in the eye.

“Okay,” Bull answered, a bit confused.  He slid off the counter and sat down at the island.  He propped his chin in his hand and started to read.

Ten minutes later he had read the letter twice, paced the kitchen and was trying his best not to throw up.  Marissa had called his name and when she didn’t get an answer she returned to the kitchen to find him leaning over the sink splashing water on his face, trying to gain some control.

“Oh Jason,” she sighed as she crossed the room towards him.

He stood up a little and ran his fingers through his hair while Marissa reached around and turned off the water.  He wiped his face with the paper towel she held out to him.  She led him out to the couch in the living room. He curled up in the corner, putting some distance between the two of them.  A move she respected by settling herself down on the other end of the couch.

“When were you going to give that to me?  You were going to give it to me, weren’t you?”  Bull asked as he looked down at his hands in his lap, unable to look up at her.

“I actually did.  I wrote it out and put it in your desk,” Marissa admitted with a sigh as she wiped away a stray tear.

“When?” Bull asked, more than a little confused.

“Day before your heart attack.  I came in early and stuck it in your desk drawer. Guess you didn’t spend much time in the office that day.  We were trying our best to keep Elliott Miles from getting the death penalty.” Marissa explained.

“It is still there?  I can’t believe I didn’t open the desk drawer at all,” Bull muttered as he leaned back into the couch, looking up at the ceiling.

“No, I took it back later that night.  We had just spent hours narrowing down the suspect list to one and you headed off, without telling anyone, to confront the suspect’s wife.  In the process of all of us working together at the 11th hour to get that done I realized I couldn’t leave. We are such an unbelievably good team, not just you and I, all of us together.  So after everyone left, I went back into your office, took the letter back and ripped it up.” Marissa explained as she scooted closer to him on the couch.  She turned sideways, sitting cross legged facing him, one of her knees barely touching his.

Bull was quiet, too quiet in her opinion.  She took a chance and reached out to tip his chin in her direction.  “Say something, please,” she pleaded.

“Wait that was the night we were all sitting together and you were looking all gooey eyed at me,” he teased. 

Leave it to Bull to remember that, Marissa thought to herself.

“Yes,” she admitted with a laugh and a smile in his direction.

 

“I get it, the co-dependency thing, obviously, it’s Psych 101.  I understand why you feel the way you do and I feel responsible for it,” he admitted as he turned himself sideways a bit to face Marissa.

“You need to share that responsibility with me.  It’s truly been a team effort,” she teased softly.  He nodded in agreement.  “Like I said in the letter, I’m sure of very little right now.  On one hand I do feel basically suffocated and all consumed by TAC…”

“And by me.”

“Sort of, but here’s the thing.  This, right here, right now, it’s just us.  It’s not suffocating and it’s not weird. It’s like the part of our relationship that’s our friendship just works and without much effort.  And the professional part works…too well, if that makes sense.”

“Do you want to leave TAC?” he asked as he hesitatingly reached for her hand.  She took it and gave it a tight squeeze before releasing her grip but not his hand. 

“I don’t know. I love TAC, I love my work, I love the sense of purpose it gives me.  And yes, Jason Bull, I love you,” she said carefully looking at his face for some sort of reaction.

“I’m going to guess that wasn’t a big admission of undying love and we should ride off into the sunset now,” he teased lightly.

“No, it’s not and thank you for knowing I meant.”

“I usually do know what you mean.  And I love you too, Riss.  What would make things better at work?  Do I really expect that much from you?  Do I take you for granted?  How could I be such an idiot?”

“Woah, slow down there buddy.  I can only answer one question at a time.  You do expect a lot from me but I’d like to think that’s because I’m good at what I do.  As for taking me for granted, yes, to some extent I think you do.”  Bull put his hand up to protest.  “Let me explain, I think you do but it’s of my own creation.  I’m always there for you, helping you, keeping you organized, protecting from outside forces, protecting you from yourself, keeping you fed, clothed and most of all, doing my best to make your life easier and keep you happy. I’ve done that for long enough that you’ve come to expect it.  And for that I take responsibility. In the process of all this, I lost some of myself,” she spit out in one long breath.  He smiled sadly and opened his arms up. She crawled into his embrace willingly. “And you’re not an idiot,” she added with a laugh.  He let out a big chuckle, one she could hear reverberating in his chest and she stayed there curled up with him, ear pressed to his chest, hearing his heart beat.  The heart that almost quit a week ago.  The very thought started her silent tears.

Bull didn’t even know she was crying until he realized his shirt was damp. He kissed the top of her head and gently pushed her out of his embrace so he could look her in the eye.

“Where do we go from here?” he asked. “I obviously do not want to see you leave TAC.  And I’ll do anything you want me to do to make you comfortable and happy.  But the decision to stay needs to be yours.  I don’t want to talk you into staying if that’s not what you want.”

“I think for starters, normal hours. I’m not saying I’ll only work 9-5.  There just can’t be an all access pass to me, if that makes sense.  There needs to be some boundaries.”

“No calls to you at 3 in the morning asking you to pick up a clean suit from my closet,” he said with a wink.

“That would certainly be a good start.  I’d like you to hire as assistant to do the things I’m overqualified for, running errands, sorting your mail, things like that.”

“I can do all that,” Bull answered as he tucked her hair behind her ear.  “It sounds like we’ll be spending less time together.  Am I getting that right?”

“Not so much less time together, just a little different.”

“And outside work?” he asked curiously.

“Like I said before, our friendship seems to…work for lack of a better word.  This, spending time with you here is nice,” Marissa admitted.

“Would probably better if I hadn’t just had a heart attack,” he mused as he tapped his chest right over his heart.  “We could be enjoying liquor and ice cream.”

“Yeah, but if that hadn’t happened it’s doubtful we’d be here right now.”

“Yeah, as much as I like this, still not happy about the heart attack,” he teased with a laugh.

“Me neither, but it’s a wake up call if nothing else.  Change some things and you may be around here with me for a lot longer,” Marissa teased right back.

“So to sum up, things at work need to change, I need to hire someone to do my scut work and I pretty much need to change my lifestyle.”

“In short that pretty much sums it up.  I’m sure there’s more to talk about but I’m just a little drained now,” Marissa admitted.

Bull leaned back again, stretching his legs out in front of him.  “God I wish we hadn’t dumped all the liquor,” he groaned.

“I had the same thought when I was trying to get my thoughts together while you were napping,” Marissa said with a groan of her own.

“It’s for the better,” he sighed as he scrubbed a hand over his face.  Marissa nodded in agreement.   “Now what,” he wondered aloud as he went to check his watch, only to realize he’d never put it on that morning.

“A little after 4,” she announced having checked her own watch.

He let out a frustrated breath and rocked forward enough to propel himself to his feet.  She let him wander around for a bit.  She closed the file with the letter and started to get out some vegetables to make a salad for dinner later. 

“Did you happen to bring any case files?  I need to do something work related, it’s been a whole week,” he whined.

“It’s only been a week,” she clarified as she just looked at him for a minute, trying to decide if he should even be thinking about work just yet.  He gave her the puppy dog eyes and she gave in, just like always.

“My tote bag is in the guest room.  There are a couple of files you can look at.  But if you get worked up I’m taking them away,” she warned as she turned to grab a knife out of the block.

“Yes ma’am,” he said in his best southern accent as he headed down the hall.

While she showed off her limited culinary skills making a salad, Bull sat at the island with a cup of tea, the files, a yellow legal pad and his laptop.  He flipped through the four files to pick the most interesting one.  Setting the others aside he flipped the legal pad open to the first blank page and pick up his pen.  He made a few pages of notes, looked up some things on his laptop and entered some data into the file he’d started on the case.

He was so engrossed in his work that he didn’t notice Marissa watching him from across the room.  Being able to watch him work like this was one of her favorite things about taking her work into his office and working side by side.  He was like a little kid, chewing on the end of his pen, tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth when he was really concentrating and of course fidgeting like a 6 year old.

“You’re staring Marissa,” he pointed out without looking up from what he was doing.  She stuttered a bit, not getting any words out, instead she could feel her cheeks turn red.  Bull just laughed as he looked at her over the tops of his glasses which had slipped down his nose a bit.  He pushed them back where they belonged and returned to his reading.

When the salad was done and the meatballs and sauce were simmering on the stove Marissa sat down next to Bull and picked up one of the discarded files.  She skimmed it, not finding it interesting either.  She set it aside and answered some emails instead.


	4. Chapter 4

A little after 6 they sat down to dinner, eating at the table like civilized people.

Bull dished out bowls of pasta, sauce and meatballs while Marissa served the salad.

“I didn’t think you’d let me have meatballs,” he said as he put a bite in his mouth.

“Yeah, about that, they’re turkey meatballs,” she announced with a smirk.

He stopped chewing for a second but realized they weren’t half bad.  His appetite seemed to have reappeared, Marissa was happy about that.

“So I’m curious about the co-dependency thing.  How did you learn about that?”

“Took Psych 101 as a freshman, just like everyone else.  Like I told my therapist, being adopted the thought of someone spending their life trying to make me happy sounded like Nirvana.  I just never thought the tables would be turned, that I would be consumed trying to make someone else happy,” she said with a tinge of sadness in her voice.

Bull didn’t know what to say.  He looked at her face, trying to see if she was waiting for him to respond.  She was stabbing a meatball so he felt safe to not answer. He turned his focus towards his salad, eating enough green matter to satisfy Marissa.

When dinner was done Bull volunteered to clean up, sending Marissa outside on the balcony with her book and her thoughts.  She stretched out on the lounge chair and set the book aside, knowing she wouldn’t be able to concentrate on it.  She thought back on their conversation, basically pleased with how it had gone.  The topic had certainly had the potential to be much messier.  She was happy, and more than a little surprised that neither of them had really ended up in tears.  How much was solved, she wasn’t really sure.  But she’d laid it all out on the table, Bull was aware of how she felt.  And since he wasn’t returning to work for at least two weeks, he had plenty of time to think about what changes needed to be made.

She expected him to eventually come out when the kitchen was clean but almost an hour later there was no sign of him.  So she headed in to make sure he was okay.

Took her a minute to find him in his room.  He was curled up on the bed, facing away from the door.  So much for neither of them ending up in tears she thought to herself as she cleared her throat a little to make her presence know.  The only response she got was a little wave of his hand. 

She crossed the room, kicking off her shoes as she did.  Without hesitation or even a second thought she crawled into his bed and molded herself to him, wrapping her left arm around him, pressing a kiss to the back of his head. 

He said nothing and she just let him get it all out, until the point it seemed like he was going to hyperventilate or make himself sick.

“Jason just breath, in through your nose, out through your mouth,” Marissa coached.  He managed to do that for a minute or so, finally getting his breathing under control.  “What’s wrong?”  She got the fully expected shrug of his shoulders and no actual answer.  “Let’s try it this way, am I going to need to call 911?” she asked.  He let out a weak chuckle and shook his head. “Okay.  Is this because of our conversation earlier?” she asked, hoping beyond hope he didn’t answer yes.

“I don’t think so,” he whispered as he squirmed a little in her arms.  She loosened her grip on him and propped herself up on her right elbow.

“The reality of the past week finally caught up with you?” she guessed as she ran her hand down his arm and squeezed his hand.

“Yep,” he answered simply.

“You do realize this reaction is perfectly normal,” Marissa helpfully pointed out.

“Yes, 3 PhDs I think I can figure that out,” he snorted as he rolled onto his stomach.  “Doesn’t make it any more pleasant.”

“I know,” Marissa whispered as she rubbed his back a bit.  He shivered a little and she pulled the blanket at the end of the bed over him.

“How the hell did I get to this point,” he muttered as he shoved his hands under his chin.

“Are you really looking for an answer?” 

“Not really.”

Marissa rubbed him back for a little while as he calmed down even further.

“So I have been wondering, this path of self destruction you’ve been on recently, what started that?” she asked curiously.

“You really want to know?” he asked as he turned his head to the right to face her.  Marissa just nodded as she reached out to cup his cheek for a just a second.

“Middle-aged crisis,” he answered, way too quickly.

Marissa just gave a little glare letting him know she wasn’t buying his answer.

“Izzy’s getting remarried.”

“Ah, that explains things a little better.  Why didn’t you tell me?”

Bull took a deep breath and shrugged his shoulders. “Didn’t want you to worry about me.”

“Yeah, that didn’t work out so well.  I was worried about you, and you certainly knew that since I basically confronted you about your behavior.  Which apparently didn’t do a damn bit of good,” Marissa said, a little louder and harsher than she had intended.  “Sorry,” she said, tempering her outburst by reaching for his hand.

“You tried your best and I pushed you away.  I’ve pushed more than just you away lately.  And I paid the price.”

“That you did,” Marissa agreed as she gently poked him in the chest, right over his heart.

Bull made no effort to say anything more, nor did he get up.  He seemed content to wallow a bit which Marissa certainly felt he had a right to do.  She stayed with him as he fidgeted around a little, rolled over a couple of times, picked at a loose thread on the quilt and absently drummed his fingers against the headboard.

The fidgeting finally led to a sigh from Marissa after he kicked her for the second time while trying to get comfortable.

“Sorry,” he muttered as he settled down on his back, hands under his head.  “So I think I’m going to need some guidelines,” he said as if Marissa was supposed to have a clue what he was talking about.

“What are you talking about?” she asked as she sat up and sat crossed legged facing the head of the bed so she could look him in the eye.

“Well, I’m not supposed to annoy you.  And I’ll be home for the next two weeks.  So how much contact is too much?” he asked, half joking and half serious.

Marissa thought about her answer for a minute as it seemed he wanted a “real” answer.

“I’m sure we’ll talk daily.  I’ll bring you some work, but not too much and nothing that will get you too worked up.”  Bull nodded and motioned for her to continue.  “You get yourself to your appointments and no texting just because you’re bored.”

“Yeah I don’t see that happening,” he muttered.

“Me either,” she smirked in agreement.  “I think while you’re still home we can put any big changes on hold. But you will contact the employment agency and start to look for an assistant.”

“Young grad student with questionable morals?” he asked with a smirk.  Marissa just rolled her eyes.  “A little old lady who will knit me a blanket?”

“Sounds perfect,” she answered, way too quickly.  Bull laughed loudly, a sound she hadn’t really heard in over a week.  She looked at him and smiled.

“What’s with the gooey eyes?” he teased.

“It’s just nice to hear you laugh,” she answered sincerely as she leaned over and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“Okay let’s get out of this room and do something,” he said as he sat up and scrubbed a hand down his face.

“Like what?”  She got the expected answer, a shrug of Bull’s shoulders.  “Feeling competitive?” she asked with an evil gleam in her eye.

“Oh yeah,” he grinned.  “I’ll go set up,” he answered as he jumped out of bed and promptly sat back down before he ended up on the floor.

“Take your time.  I’m going to change and get some snacks,” Marissa announced as she climbed off the bed and headed for the guest room.  After he got his bearings he headed for the office.

Ten minutes later Marissa met Bull on the couch in his office.  She set the snacks down on the coffee table and handed him a bottle of iced tea.

“Okay little lady, you’re going down,” he declared after he took a sip of iced tea before sitting cross legged on the couch.

“I don’t think so old man,” Marissa snorted as she cracked her knuckles and reached for the Wii remote he was holding out for her.

Bull hit start and the Mario Kart title screen filled the ridiculously large television screen which hung on the wall.

Their Mario Kart battles bordered on epic.  It wasn’t something they did on a regular basis, making the races even more fierce.  In the overall competition Marissa had the better record, although that probably had less to do with her Wii skills and more to do with the fact that Bull was usually enjoying bourbon when he played.  With him completely sober she wasn’t quite such how she would fare.

Bull took the first two races easily, much to Marissa’s frustration. He took the opportunity for a little gloating while they took a break for snacks. 

“Okay popcorn and grapes weren’t too bad but ice cream would have been better,” he mused as he finished his iced tea.

“You can try frozen yogurt,” Marissa suggested with a little more enthusiasm than frozen yogurt warranted.

“Hey, I ate the damn turkey meatballs, let’s not go overboard,” he snorted as he picked up the Wii remote again.

Marissa mounted a comeback and took the next two races, probably due to the fact that Bull was beginning to fade a bit. 

“One more?” she asked, egging him on just a bit.

“Maybe tomorrow,” he answered, suddenly looking and sounding rather tired.

“Deal, why don’t you go put on your pajamas.  I’ll make some tea,” Marissa offered as she took another handful of popcorn.

“Perfect,” he replied as he hauled himself off the couch, which took a bit more effort than he had expected.

Curled up on the couch together they drank their tea while Bull watched the Yankee game and Marissa read a little.  By 10 he was yawning every few minutes.

“Why don’t you go to bed,” Marissa suggested.  His answered came in the form of a shrug of his shoulders, which was pretty much expected.  He fidgeted a little until Marissa held her hand out for the pillow.  “Come here,” she said quietly as she set the pillow in her lap and motioned for him to settle down.

“Sure this isn’t too much togetherness,” he smirked as he turned off the light on the end table and pulled the blanket off the back of the couch. 

“I can live with it if you can,” she answered with a grin of her own. She helped toss the blanket over him and set his glasses on the coffee table.  “Did you take your pills?”

“Damn,” he muttered as he pushed back the covers and headed for the kitchen.  He took the pills and brushed his teeth.  He thought about crawling in to his own bed, which made sense since he was standing not ten feet from it, but he didn’t want to be alone and didn’t really think Marissa had any plans to join him in bed.

He went back to the office where she was waiting for him with a sad smile and open arms, just like always. Bull curled up silently with his head in her lap.

“Thank you,” Marissa whispered as she brushed back his hair.

“For what?” Bull asked sleepily.

“For being an amazing man, Jason Bull,” she replied with a sad smile and a wink.  “And for not freaking out at our numerous conversations today.”

“You are welcome.  I know none of it was easy for you and I give you credit for not just ditching me and running for the hills.  And you’re pretty amazing too.”

“Sleep,” Marissa whispered as she leaned over and pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

Ten minutes later Bull was sound asleep.  Marissa wasn’t far behind as she sat with one hand over his heart, the other one gently stroking his hair. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ended up getting a little unwieldy so I broke it in two.

Bull woke up a little disoriented.  The sun was streaming in the window and he was alone on the couch.  He rubbed his eyes and glanced around the room, looking for Marissa.  He found her curled up in the recliner, the throw from the living room covering her up.  He found his cell and squinted at the time, it was early, just after 6:30.  Stretching a bit he sat up and reached for his glasses. He read the news highlights on his phone, checked out his Instagram feed and padded to the bathroom.

By the time Marissa woke it was almost 8:00.  Like Bull she was rather disoriented when she woke up also.  More because of how late she slept and not so much about where she woke up.  She did have a vague recollection of getting the spare blanket and curling up in the recliner somewhere around 2 AM.  She heard music and smelled coffee coming from the other side of the apartment, so she followed both, ending up in the kitchen where Bull was sitting at the island with a cup of coffee, reading the newspaper and listening to Bruce Springsteen.

“Morning,” she said as she ran her hands through her hair and pulled it back with the elastic on her wrist.

“Morning sleepy head,” Bull teased as he got up and poured her a cup of coffee in a TAC mug.  Marissa took it gratefully and slid onto the other stool.

“Guess the coffee is agreeing with you this morning?” she asked as she point towards the mug he just picked up.

“So far so good.  Hungry?”

“Starving.  You cooking?”

“Obviously, otherwise we’ll be having the not quite ripe bananas over on the counter and maybe burnt toast,” he teased.

Marissa stuck her tongue out at him as he got up.  “Remind me why I like you,” she snorted.

“Cause I’m amazing and cute,” he replied with an adorable dimpled smile, which as usual melted her heart just a bit.

“That you are Jason, that you are,” she said simply.

He got out the Bisquick out of pantry and set it on the counter.  “Pancakes or waffles?”

“Waffles,” she declared as she slid off the stool to grab the waffle iron out of the cabinet.  Bull got out the rest of ingredients while she cut up some strawberries and cantaloupe.

“I think there’s a bottle of maple syrup in the pantry, can you grab it?” he asked, pointing in the general direction of the pantry with the spatula.

“Jason, I think we need to do a little work in here,” she called from the pantry.

“What?” he asked a bit confused.

She came out of the pantry with the requested syrup in one hand and a package of Oreos, a bag of Reese’s peanut butter cups and a bag of Doritos. 

“Guess in our haste to get rid of the liquor we forgot the junk food,” she said as she put the syrup on the island and the rest of the goodies on the counter. 

“We can clean it out later,” he muttered as he reached for a plate for the waffles.

They enjoyed their breakfast while reading the paper and listening to Bruce.  When they were done eating Bull poured himself another cup of coffee and started to clear away the dishes.

“Sit back down, you cooked, I’ll clean up,” Marissa offered. 

Bull started the Sunday NY Times crossword puzzle while she cleaned up and raided his well-stocked freezer for something for dinner.  She found a chicken pot pie and set it on the counter to thaw.  She poured herself another cup of coffee and looked over Bull’s shoulder to help with the crossword puzzle. 

“You need to actually speak to help me with this,” he helpfully pointed out as he tapped the pencil on the island to the beat of the music.

“I’ve only had two cups off coffee,” she explained as she rested her chin on his shoulder, making a half-hearted attempt to find at least one answer for him.  She eventually found one for him, reaching around him to take the pencil and fill it in herself.

“Thanks,” he said as he turned his head a little and kissed her cheek.  “But that’s it, one answer?”

“You’re doing just fine without me,” she assured him as she ruffled his hair and reached for her mug.  “I’m going to shower.  You want to do something today? Looks nice out.”

“Yeah, I could use some fresh air.  Maybe a walk, get some lunch.”

“Sounds perfect.”

Bull worked for another ten minutes or so on the puzzle before going to his bathroom to shower.

Marissa came out of the guest room thinking Bull was still getting ready for the day.  She was surprised to see him wandering down the hall in his t-shirt and boxers. He probably should have been embarrassed walking around in his underwear but he really wasn’t.

“Forget something,” Marissa teased.

“Just went out on the balcony to check the weather,” he said as if going out on the balcony in his underwear was perfectly normal.

“Okay,” Marissa said with a grin.  Bull continued back to his room. “Uh Jason, what’s the weather like?” she asked.

“Warm, I’m going to put on shorts,” he announced as he padded down the hall.

Ten minutes later he emerged dressed for the warm weather wearing khaki shorts and a navy polo shirt.  He sat on the couch and slipped on his sneakers while Marissa grabbed her bag and sunglasses. 

They headed out without a real plan, ending up in Central Park which was filled with lots of other people enjoying the beautiful spring day.  They walked for a little while until the heat and the crowds started to bother Bull just a bit.

Marissa steered him towards a large shady maple tree.  They sat down on the ground and stretched out as every nearby bench was occupied.  

“Better?” Marissa asked as Bull leaned back on his hands and took a few deep breaths.

“Much.”

“Good.  Rest for a minute, I’m going to get you some water.”  She knew she didn’t have any cash in her bag so she nudged Bull a little until he shifted his weight enough that she could grab his wallet out of his back pocket.

“If you leave TAC you could always start a pickpocket enterprise,” he teased as she stood up.  With a roll of her eyes she headed for the nearest vendor selling cold drinks.

When she returned Bull was sitting up texting on his phone.  He gave her an appropriately guilty look, leading her to correctly assume he was texting someone from work.

“No work mister. Hand it over,” she said as she sat down next to him.  He took one last glance and handed it over to her, watching as she stuffed it in the depths of her tote bag.

“I take back all those nice things I said about you yesterday,” he teased as he twisted off the cap of the water bottle and took a large gulp.

“I can live with that,” she retorted as she opened her water.  She set the bottle aside and leaned back on her hands, mirroring Bull’s position.  “Penny for your thoughts,” she said a few minutes later as she nudged him with her shoulder.

“Not sure they’re worth that much,” Bull chuckled as he maneuvered himself a little and stretched out on his back, his head resting on Marissa’s thigh.  He laced his fingers over his chest and took a few deep breaths.  He looked at Marissa’s face and got the look that said “start talking”. “Just thinking about what I have to do this week and what I’m not allowed to do this week.”

“When is the follow up with the cardiologist?” she asked, ignoring second half of his statement.

“Tuesday afternoon.  And cardiac rehab, whatever that is, on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  I’m sure that’s going to be great fun,” he snorted.  “Lots of old guys carrying oxygen tanks trying to walk on the treadmill at turtle like speed.”

“I’m willing to bet you won’t be the only 50 year old there,” Marissa helpfully pointed out.

“49.”

“For another two months,” she muttered more to herself than him, but he heard her and did chuckle just a little.  “I guarantee you these next two weeks will fly by.  You’ll be back at work before you know it.  You just have to take it easy or the doctor won’t clear you to come back,” she said, tempering her statement by reaching to brush back a stray lock of hair that had been blown across his forehead by the breeze.  Bull just nodded and let his eyes slide closed.

Marissa watched him, happy to see him in the rare state of relaxation.  Usually the only time he was relaxed and remotely still was when he was asleep.  She knew he wasn’t sleeping as he was tapping his foot to a beat only heard in his head. Eventually a fly buzzed by his ear and his state of relaxation was over as he swatted it away.

“Lunch?” he asked as he sat up and ran a hand through his hair.  Marissa nodded in agreement as she stood up and brushed off her clothes. She offered Bull her hand and helped him to his feet.  She brushed off the back of his shirt and without a second thought brushed off the seat of his shorts too.  “Copping a feel?” he teased.  Marissa stuttered a little but didn’t manage to get any words out.  He watched with amusement as she turned bright red.

They found a little out of the way café with outside seating and no wait.  It took Bull a little while to decide what to order, cheeseburger and fries had long been his go-to meal and that needed to change.  He decided on fish tacos and an iced tea.  Marissa ordered her usual, cobb salad, no tomatoes.

Lunch was delicious, the conversation light and relaxing, just what both of them needed. 

After lunch they went to the bookstore.  Bull picked out a couple of things to read during his enforced downtime.


	6. Chapter 6

It was late afternoon by the time they made it back to Bull’s place.  Marissa put the flowers she’d picked up in a vase while Bull kicked off his sneakers and headed for the office.  He came back a minute later with a laugh.

“Went to get a drink didn’t you?” Marissa smirked.

“Shut up,” he snorted as he grabbed a bottle of iced out of the fridge. 

“I need to get a few things done before I go in tomorrow.  Can I use the office?”

“Of course and I won’t even bother you,” he promised as he crossed his heart with his right index finger. 

While Marissa grabbed the files and her laptop from the guest room he went into the office, grabbing a guitar before heading out to the balcony.  He fooled around a little, it had been a few weeks since he’d really played anything.  He picked out the melodies of a few songs he knew Marissa was fond of.  The slider was open and he knew she’d be able to hear as she worked at his desk.

Marissa smiled at his song choices as she worked to open files up on the 3 cases Bull had tossed aside the day before.  She entered the basic information which could be used to start her algorithm, should one be needed.  Half an hour later Bull came back in the office and put the guitar away.

“Thanks for the entertainment,” Marissa said as she leaned back in his comfortable leather chair and put her feet up on the desk. 

“Welcome.  I haven’t played in a while.  Guess I’ll have some time to do that in the next two weeks,” he said simply, without a bitter edge to his voice.  “I’m going to go start dinner.  Feel free to keep working,” he said as he headed out of the room.

Marissa turned back to her work, missing the music.

“Riss, can you give me a hand?” she heard him call a few minutes later.  Something in the tone of his voice made her move quickly.  She found him in the kitchen leaning over the sink, blood dripping from somewhere on his left hand.  She grabbed the towel hanging from the oven and wrapped his hand up in it.

“Sit,” she said sharply as she deposited him on one of the stools, holding his left hand over his head.  “What happened?”

“Knife slipped cutting a cucumber, sliced my thumb.  See, vegetables are dangerous,” he said as he lowered his elbow to the counter, keeping his arm vertical.

“Before I unwrap this how bad are we talking?” Marissa asked, trying to prepare herself.

“I don’t think it’s that bad.  Doubt it needs stitches.  Grab the Band-Aids out of the bathroom and we’ll take a look.”

“Okay, don’t move.”

“Once again, where the hell would I go?” he teased.

Marissa came back a minute later with the Band-aids and a box of butterfly bandages just in case.

“Let’s do this over the sink,” she suggested.

Bull slid off the stool and met her at the sink.  He let her carefully unwrap the towel, hissing a little as she pulled it off the cut itself.  It didn’t look too bad, not real deep or wide but it seemed to be bleeding more than one would expect.

“Blood thinners,” they both said in unison.

“Let’s clean it up a little and you should be fine,” Marissa said as she unwrapped his hand completely.  She turned on the water and looked him in the eye. “Deep breath and stick it under the water to wash it out a little.”

Bull did as he was told, groaning just a little as the water hit the open wound.  A little butterfly bandage and a larger Band-aid later the situation was under control.  Marissa banished him to the island while she cleaned up.

“Keep it up and put a little pressure on it,” she suggested as she reached for the disinfecting spray under the sink.  She cleaned the counter and the sink before taking the towel to the bathroom to soak in cold water.

Marissa finished slicing the cucumbers and put them on the plate with some hummus.  She put it in front of Bull and he eyed them warily.

“I promise they will not kill you,” she assured him as she took one for herself to prove her point.

He picked one up and gave it a good look before popping it in his mouth.  Marissa just rolled her eyes at him before putting the pot pie in the oven to heat up.

“I’m going back to the office, try not to hurt yourself,” Marissa said as she took a look at his thumb.  “Still oozing a bit, try to prop it up a little longer. He put it back up and went back to playing a game on his phone with his other hand.

They ate dinner on the balcony.  The conversation a bit forced.  It was clear Bull was going to have a rather difficult time in the morning when Marissa went to TAC and left him behind. 

Marissa cleaned up, leaving him on the balcony with his thoughts and much to his annoyance, no bourbon.  She gave him the space he seemed to need, truth was, she needed a little space too.  While he contemplated the view of the city she packed up her things which were still on his desk in his office.  She made sure her outfit was ready for the morning. 

At 9:00 she went outside to see what Bull was up to.  He was sitting on the end of the lounge chair, elbows on his knees, chin propped up in his hands.  Marissa sat down behind him on the chair, tentatively reaching out to rub his back.  He flinched a little and she pulled her hand away.  Bull let out a heavy sigh and put his head in his hands.

“Sorry,” he muttered as he glanced over his shoulder.

“It’s okay,” she whispered as she scooted back and motioned for him to do the same.

“This sucks,” Bull whispered as he crawled into her arms. 

“I know it does,” she whispered back as she kissed his forehead and rubbed his back a bit, hoping he’d just relax. 

“Despite the heart attack, this was a pretty nice weekend.  If that makes any sense.”

“It does,” she assured him.  “And it was nice.  Like I said before, this part of us just… works.”

He was quiet for a few minutes, Marissa was beginning to wonder if he’d fallen asleep.

“Thanks for everything these past few days.  I’m not sure how to repay you,” he said honestly.

“Jason, there is no where in the world I would have rather been this weekend than with you.  And I’m sure you’ll think of a way to repay me,” she said with little laugh.  “You ready to go back inside?”

“Not a chance,” he replied with a little yawn as he pulled off his glasses and got a little more comfortable.   His move got no complaints from Marissa, she held him tightly and watched the lights of the city.

At 10:00 she figured it was time they both went inside and got settled for the night.  “Come on,” she said as she nudged him a little.  “Time for all good little trial scientists to get ready for bed.”

“Even if they don’t have to get up for work in the morning,” he groaned.  She gave him a look that meant, this is not time for a pity party.

Jason reached for his glasses he’d tossed on the table earlier.  Marissa gathered up the cups and together they headed inside.

“Do you want tea?” Marissa asked as she opened the dishwasher to unload it.

“No thanks, I think I’ll take a shower,” he muttered with a little edge of something in his voice that Marissa couldn’t quite place. 

“Jason, you okay?” she called down the hall.

“Yeah,” came his reply in the form of one emotionless syllable . 

Marissa let it slide as she went back to unloading the dishes.  She set the coffee maker up for him in the morning.  She would get her caffeine at work.  She tossed the half empty bag of Doritos in the trash, stuck the candy in the way back of the freezer and put the Oreos in her bag, they actually belonged to her.  Bull was actually more of a homemade chocolate chip cookie type of guy.

She took a seat at the island and glanced at the crossword puzzle, coming up with a few answers.  The shower turned off and she heard Bull wandering around his room but he didn’t come out. His pills were on the counter, in the handy new organizer they’d picked up the day before.  She grabbed it and a bottle of water, figuring it would give her an excuse to check on him.

She found him pacing around the room in his boxers and an ancient Yankees t-shirt.  He glanced a little in her direction as he stopped to look out the window. Marissa set the pills on the  nightstand and crossed the room to stand next to him.

Bull casually draped his arm around her shoulders and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.  They stood in silence watching the lights of the city flicker before them.

A massive yawn by Bull broke them out of their thoughts. Marissa turned him a little and he sat down on the edge of the bed.  He took the pills she got out for him without a word. 

“Get up for a second,” she said as patted his hip. He got up and she pulled back the covers for him.

For the first time since Friday night, Marissa felt unsure of what to do.  It was late and she needed to get to sleep.  She wanted to beat everyone to work and have a little peace and quiet before she was bombarded with questions about Bull from everyone at the office.

Bull curled up under the covers, scooting over so there was plenty of room for her to sit down.  She sat down and reached to turn off the light.

“I’m going to head out early tomorrow.  Do you want me to wake up before I leave?”

“No, just check and make sure I’m breathing or something,” he said with a smirk.

“I’ll hold a mirror under your nose just to be sure,” she teased right back at him.

“Text my driver and he will be waiting for you.”

“Thanks.”

For the next few minutes or so Marissa sat there next to him and fidgeting with the edge of the sheet, struggling with what to do, how she felt…..unsure of very little.

“Wow, this is the most awkward moment of the entire weekend,” he muttered as he rolled onto his left side and propped his head up in his hand.  He tentatively reached out for her hand, intertwining their fingers as she leaned over enough to rest her forehead against his.  “Riss it’s going to be okay.  I’ll do everything I can possibly do to make things work, just probably not in the next two weeks,” he added, knowing that would make her laugh.

And it did.  She sat up and wiped her eyes as he laid back down.

“Okay.  Get some sleep and I will talk to you tomorrow.”  She leaned over and pressed a kiss to his cheek before leaving the room without looking back.

Sleep came quickly for both of them.

*****

Marissa was up by 5:00 the next morning and ready to leave by 5:45. She put her things by the front door and went to check on him.  He was thankfully still sound asleep, snoring softly.  She reached to ruffle his hair just a bit.  He stirred but didn’t wake up.  She pressed a kiss to his forehead, whispered  “love you” and left the apartment feeling hopeful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it. Hope you enjoyed the story.
> 
> I started watching Bull from the beginning, not sure exactly what drew me to it, probably the subject matter. I work in the psychiatric field as a Psychiatric Social Worker on an inpatient unit. I also find the law fascinating. Although I never really watched NCIS I knew who Michael Weatherly was and being a huge Hamilton fan I certainly knew who Christopher Jackson was.
> 
> (I've since started binge wathcing NCIS from the beginning, that should keep me busy for a while)
> 
> I certainly enjoyed the show and watched each week. But I never felt a huge connection to the characters as I had in years past with ER or my all time favorite, The West Wing. That is until the season finale.
> 
> The story line with Marissa and Bull spoke to me louder than I could have even imagined. In my work life I am Marissa and one of the doctors I work with is my "Bull". I've spent more time than I care to admit trying to make him happy and make his life easier. Like Marissa I would find it almost impossible to leave my job because of him.
> 
> So writing this was cathartic for me in a way. It did force me to look at our relationship and mentally prepare myself to step back a little and try to find myself, just like I hope Marissa gets to do in the coming season.
> 
> Thanks for the kudos.
> 
> I have some ideas for the next two weeks in the life of Jason and Marissa. I think it's going to involve lots of text messages!

**Author's Note:**

> My first story in the Bull fandom. Hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> Title shamelessly stolen from Lin-Manual Miranda.


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